Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Just blow'n coffee out my nose........ again.

For those that read the blog you know I am not a...... get out of bed and attack the day, kind of girl.  I pour coffee from my incredible automatic coffee pot that is set up before I go to bed.  A few hours later, following the aroma down the steps, it greets me with hot fresh coffee.  Pure Love!  Fumbling for a mug in the dark I feel the heat of the coffee until it hits the rim. No need to turn the lights on in the kitchen.  I ease into my day around 5:45 a.m. each and every day.  I grab my hot mug of coffee after streaking through the back 40 to let the chickens out, hunkering down to check the world news and local weather.

After the mug hits my lips I mute the TV and just watch the pictures as the light of dawn creeps into the room.  I watch the weather map with some guy flapping his arms around a map and looking way too happy.  The forecasts are in picto-grams any way...... I live for the happy sun face or grumpy storm clouds!   Back to the news desk sitting stylishly dressed the anchor people banter back and forth in color coordinated outfits...... I hate banter and color coordinated outfits at 5:45 a.m. thus the beauty of the mute button.  While watching the images move across the screen I see a rather large woman in a two piece bathing suit, smiling, if full make up sporting the reddest lipstick I have ever seen.

This made the news?  Where are the accidents, flaming buildings and floods. I want to see locusts and plague at 5:45 a.m. I guess I have become oblivious to the horrors of the world.  Until I see this very large woman in a two piece bathing suit, full make up and smiling with her really white teeth and red lips.  Pan back to the news crew where they are trying heroically, to hold it together.

Where is that stupid remote.........  oh yeah, I'm sitting on it, in fact it could stuck in the folds of my butt but it's not it's jammed in the seat cushion.  Un-muting the remote I wait for the story to circle back around.  Wait for it ........ here it comes.......... YES!  Large woman in a two piece suit......... and I blow coffee out my nose!  It's the FAT-KINI!  I am not making this up!  Just go to the fashion blog:  FATKINI   I ran for kitchen towels to clean up the mess.

While I scurried to the kitchen in the dark, my Politically Correct voice says:  RIGHT ON and it's about time and fist pump because I am a large woman of eastern European decent who loves goose liver.  Example of my heritage:  My Dad (Scottish) upon opening his awesome Christmas present of a garage door opener, so many years ago.  Scratched his head and said:  What do I need this for?  I have your Mother, she works great!   and he was serious!  'Nuff said!  It's why they wore babushka's!  Cover it up!  All of it! Whatever "IT" was.   There were many school days I was sent back in the house to change into "something decent".    Today, when the wind blows, everyone knows..... she is going commando!  Lake Erie winds can be fierce!   So let me be your Mother....... and the Dali Mama says...... go get your one piece with the little skirt!  Now!  I am not saying don't go to the beach, I am saying STOP!

Murr left a comment under the Art Rant post and I quote: "THIS is what you get when you tell young Heather how wonderful her artwork is all her life."  It works for fashion too.......

Two blog posts down I posted a lovely rant about "ART".   This is where it has taken us.  Someone sat in room sketching out the idea of the fat-kini.  My brain would not even go there.  My brain would not think to put dead baby heads on a vase either.  I don't know if it's right or wrong but I know I don't want to see it.  Oh wait......... it is wrong, it's very wrong.  I remember wandering onto the nude beach in Key West so many years ago with my very small children.  I was scarred for life, the kids don't remember.  Talk about junk on the beach!  A fatkini ...... children will be unphased but I predict adults will need therapy.

I am ok with your large self, I am ok with my large self......... but I must go open the garage door now.....


  1. I did a google image search for fatkini. It's a sad thing, all the images are of very obese young girls. Put down the fries, sodas and Big Macs and take a walk! I can't get over how fat our youth are, I looked better at 50 than half the girls in my daughters high school and I felt better too.
    Sad sad sad

  2. Personally I blame it on farm subsidized corn, fructose, computers, etc...... We created this mess through legislation and money driven lobbying........ Wonder if this would work in the fashion industry? Lock your kids outside after breakfast....... That's what my Mom did! You kid is screaming, put him or her in snowsuit and put them on the stoop...... They stop! Ask my kids :)

  3. Nice one Mom! You really need disclaimers, like DO NOT READ BEFORE COFFEE. Read this while sipping a morning brew and heating up last night's french fries for breakfast. I will not be donning any sort of -kini today.... but probably shoveling in the garden in my "cover-up carhartts"

  4. I didn't drink coffee before reading your blog, but I must remember to wait until the end of the day in the library to read it. My laughing will be getting me kicked out of the building soon!

  5. I didn't drink any coffee before reading your blog, but I nearly was kicked out of the library for laughing so loud!