Friday, January 15, 2010

I have reached critical mass......



After three days of eating bread, I have reached critical mass!

January is just the pits for physical activity in Northeastern Ohio. No sun, no terra firma anywhere to be found, and too many clothes to put on to go play outside!
January can be very pretty, quiet and a month for much needed hibernation. But as I grow older I realize this is the month
that could take me down the worm hole. After the bread baking fiasco I knew I had to get out of the kitchen and back out to the studio. On my way out of the studio
I glanced to my left and a shining beam of light complete with angelic singing illuminated the treadmill. WOW! WHAT A FANTASTIC WAY TO SPEND JANUARY!
Running back up the stairs to wiggle and flail into my spandex running duds and the biggest tee shirt I could find, I skipped back down the stairs, blow the dust off my running shoes & jump onto the treadmill!
The dog thought we were going for a walk and started spinning circles in the middle of the floor. OH just stop it!
Moving the wheelbarrow, a 50 pound bag of dog food, garden tools and several doggie frisbees; immediately setting the dog back to whirling durbish cycle, I cleared a path.

OMG the dust!! no worse than dust, cobwebs! For a split second I thought of cleaning it before jumping on but wiped that thought right out of my mind and decided to jump on! Press the buttons and stand there while the dog dances next to dead-mill. Back off the treadmill, hmmmm is there so much dust it has seized up?
OH wait! Plug it in!!
Plug it in and still nothing.
Guess it's been awhile since I have been on the treadmill, excuse me I have been really busy on the big hamster wheel of life! Looking over the control panel and thinking
I could launch myself into space I found the little red card thingy that has to be plugged into slot "A" on the control panel and clipped onto your collar. ( in case you fall off the treadmill it will immediately halt!) Oh for God-sake who needs that! and I fling the cord over the handle of the sidebar. Card in and all the lights go off, we are in business and ready to launch my butt into the stratosphere of fitness! It starts at number 1 with no incline...... perfect since the only activity I've had since October is pouring another cup of coffee and walking to the studio. Feeling pretty good after a couple warm up minutes I decide I can kick it up to 2.5 mph. Holy great balls of dust! Tip to self; good idea to clean the treadmill before you whip it into low gear! Looks like the dust-storms coming off the Sahara! Coughing & sputtering the dog lays down next to the treadmill and abandons all hope of a walk. I realize he is close to the floor for clean air!

Settling in for an hour........ why an hour because I just heard Dr. Oz say I am worth an hour! While watching a 320 pound man who gave up salt for a month and lost 40 pounds in 28 days I am going to be svelte! And I kick the treadmill up to 3.5 mph. I power walked myself right off the back of the treadmill and now have rubber rash on my face and arm. CLIP THE RED IDIOT CARD TO YOUR COLLAR! Clipped in I jump back on the treadmill and take er' up to 3.5 mph, smok'n. The dust has settled enough to see Dr. Oz telling a poor woman in the audience she is not 33 years old but in reality 60 years old due to a bad lifestyle and processed food. and I was just thinking I should put an ashtray and snack dish on my treadmill.
God I'm hot...... oh yeah the heater is on in the back room this is great I made my own sauna. Cruising along at my top speed I hear a scuffle and yelp...... the dog rolled over to smell the rubber burning on the belt and smoked the skin off the end of his nose. I keep running as he seems to be OK. Who knew a treadmill could be such a dangerous piece of equipment. Well the dog recovered in 30 seconds flat and is over this physical fitness quest as he is eating....... in front of me, right in front of me, eating and eating and now walking over to nap it off. Hey! A little sympathy for the fat girl on the treadmill!!!

I continued on for 53 minutes, 356 calories which barely touches the bread I ate last night and I am experiencing shaky leg. I am off to the showers, grab a giant glass of water and throw the bread out for the raccoons ......... in the morning I expect to see little masked bloated furry things writhing in my back yard.

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