MRI's, Doctors, Postponements and Dead chickens.......

My birthday is tomorrow.  Last year I was catching groundhogs and it was 

the best birthday present ever!  This year ....... OYE!  And can I just say I would like a do over for 2014?  What is up with this year?!  It started in January and just keeps rolling.  Enough already! 

Had a tooth pulled, back went out, and now a knee has revolted.  In some small way I wonder if my subconscious knew what was coming because I could have never done shows this year, or taken care of a dog or half the other stuff I usually do.  

When the back went out, an anti inflammation diet was recommended.  Great!  Toss out the grains, legumes, nuts, dairy, all sugar and move to a plant based diet with a little meat thrown in for good measure and a handful of pills, vitamins and herbs. 

I bought a vitamix although now in hindsight I could have just used the pugmill!  But that 2 1/2 hour cleaning would have done me in.  I love the vitamix and have just about smoothied myself to death. 

After too long I realized my back was great and I could touch my palms to the floor without screaming but I went back to the chiropractor because I wondered why my knee was swollen and radiating pain and I was eating too many ibuprofen.  

She ordered X-rays and we both figured it was arthritis.   X-rays back and the joint is intact and looks great!  Well that made me skipy but I fell over.  And I immediately became aware of all the four legged creatures I have ever known.  This two legged, bipedal thing is not so great if 50% or half  goes bad, it's not like I have three others to fall back on.  We just tip over.

 She ordered an MRI.

I have never had an MRI and had no idea what a treat I was in for.  When I arrived with knitting and a stack of Mother Earth News to read, I was told it would take about an hour and I would need to be very still. 

Well there's a challenge.  Ushered into a small room, fill out a form with weird questions, like do I have  a plate in my head and ordered to take off anything metal.  The woman checked me over and said..... Nope, you're wearing a belt and clean out your pockets.  Well there's a private peek into my life...... a couple hex nuts, a huge cotter pin, two quarters (making me immediately happy), two green acorns, a bluejay feather and a cool stone.  Yup, that's it!  

Then we walked to another room with giant white tube.  Hopped on the table.... WAIT!  I forgot my knitting!  Oh you can't knit.  You're going in the tube.  Oh no I'm not.....I thought just my leg was going in the tube.  And she laughed.....  just lay back and here's your panic button.  For what?  and she pressed another button and the whole flipp'n table started taking me into the tiny little tube!  I pressed the panic button!  Hey I think this is the wrong test, is this a stress test?  I signed up for the MRI.  Honestly my heart is racing just typing this out.  And then she asked...... are you claustrophobic?  No.  

and she pressed the damn button and back in the tube I went..... then I reached my arms over my head so I could grab the top of the tube and shoot myself out if I had too!  What demented person invented this thing?  I'm thinking he was a test tube baby.....   With heart racing and fighting the flight or fight thoughts running through my head.  Two tears slid down the sides of my face and into my ear canals and then the voice over the microphone said.... ok here we go..... DON'T MOVE!   I yelled out, wait a minute!  Cleared my ears, put the head phones on that were offered, tilted my head back so I could see the ceiling behind me, ignoring all neck cramps and we began.  It was like laying in a jack hammer.  When it was finally over and she asked me why I hadn't fallen asleep I just looked her and calmly said;  Get me out of this thing now.  And then she said....... Oh my did you have a panic attack because we could have blindfolded you!  my inside voice said; WTF?   I asked her if she was practicing her hostage taking skills?  She smiled and said you are lucky it was your knee and not your hip because then you would have had to go to the middle of tube!!  Nope.  

A friend later told me to take a jelly jar full of bourbon next time.  There will be no next time! 

After years of gardening, speed skating, landscaping, wedging clay on a cement floor I tore my meniscus.... I didn't even know I had one to tear.   

They cut me loose and said report to an orthopedic surgeon for surgery.  

The hunt began a week ago.  And do we all have our stuffing come out because the 

best date I could get in to see anybody is July 29th!  Then I blew a meniscus in my head somewhere.

Seriously, 6 weeks?  I called two pages of Dr.s, one was booked until the end of Sept. 

The best encounter to date:  Told receptionist I had a flap tear and needed surgery.  Receptionist says:  Oh, the Dr. only does knee replacement surgery but why don't we schedule you because if the tear is really bad we can just do a joint replacement!!!  and then my head blew off..... 

I had the feeling if you sat in his waiting room too long you were getting a knee replacement even though you really don't need one.  

And I can tell you how this is going to go down.

  

1. By the end of July I will have come to terms with the 

pain and swelling and learned to live with it and just forget about the busy Dr's. 

2.  I will youtube the surgery channel and fix it myself..... kinda like the kitchen project. 

3.  I will call the vet, have him fix it and get a free puppy....  they do anesthesia by the pound.

Gardening is a lot better when you can bend your knee..... 

Along another line, the business line of life: 

Next weekend should have found me moving into a new gallery space at W78th street studios.  

I have prepared, waited, put off other shows to move in.  It's a 650 square foot space, it's a lot to get ready.  It's a lot to fill.  Friday night we ran into the owner and I said I was really looking forward to moving in next week.  And he said oh the space won't be ready for another 3 months.  

And when were you going to tell me this?  

OK I know mercury is retrograde and there is just a lot of crap swirling around the heavens right now but honestly this is just bad business and bad communication and you sir have screwed with the way I earn a living.  I wrote a bridge burning letter but after talking it over with a good friend decided not to burn the bridge, get the surgery, grit my teeth and wait.  I am writing a letter concerning communication skills........ in a PC way and not my flame throwing, underpants on fire way.

I have delivered all the pots that were slated for my awesome gallery opening out to other galleries. 

Then yesterday one of the chickens died.  She had been sort of moping around and had never really recovered from last winter.  Yesterday morning she really struggled to get down from the coop and out in the yard.  I picked her up and placed her in the yard, she didn't seem to interested.  It was intensely hot yesterday and she was dead when I checked on her in the afternoon.  I walked over to the door to let the other girls out.  Usually when I open the door they bolt for the grass but today they ran over to the dead chicken and then ran back to me.  I know, she's gone, go eat bugs, I'll take care of it.  I picked her up and placed her in the fresh grass of the compost pile.  The gang of eight wandered around the compost pile while I returned with the shovel.  No, you girls go eat bugs, they finally moved along. I shoveled out a deep hole big enough for a chicken. (and had a lightbulb moment of how I screwed up my knee, digging holes!)  With the hole dug deep, I went back to the compost pile, picked up the chicken and returned to the gapping hole in the azelea bed.  All the other chickens were standing around the hole looking in.  I placed the old girl in the hole, where all eight chickens looked down in the hole for a few seconds.  I took up my shovel and the gang of eight returned to eating bugs while I filled in the hole.  You were a good chicken and you will be missed........  we are now down to eight.