and the hits just keep on coming.....

It's mid December and that means it's cookie time but I am knee deep in seed catalogs.  I have a hard time switching gears.  Stacking the seed catalogs in the ever growing pile, I haul out the recipes for cookies.  I have so many recipes from years of baking cookies.  I have my Moms recipe box, my binder and my recipe box, put to shame by my Moms (the box in the middle).

The essential ingredients get this party started!  

Welcome to the Phat Shack. 

Pulled out the favorites and whittled the list down to the "must haves" "can't live without" cookies.  The list is still too long but I will try my best!  Start slow because cookies just don't show up here like they used to.  They can be frozen and quite a few cookies ship well..... that increases my list again.   Instead of spending hours in the kitchen I am opting to bake one recipe a day until Christmas Eve.  Pack them in containers and whisk them away to the freezer.  The freezer that is in my studio.  I will need to bury the cookies under the pesto and cauliflower.  

Start slow, go with the good old peanut butter cookies.  I bought "natural" peanut butter, the kind that separates in the jar because it's been sitting on the shelf or warehouse for years. Stirring a jar of separated peanut butter is like stirring up a bucket of asphalt driveway sealer.  Hey, I use my big drill for that mess so break out the hand mixer/immersion blender!  

The oil oozed out and down the sides of the jar, I lost my grip.  Oil and peanut butter were on the Tilt-O-Wheel at the county fair!  EJECT!  I was so panic stricken I pulled the plug out of the wall.   This added an extra hour of cleaning and laundry to making simple peanut butter cookies.  Kirby did the dance of happiness and couldn't believe his luck to be in the kitchen at exactly the right time for raining peanut butter!  Life is good if you're a dog here at Paine Falls.  

Slowly I got my groove back for making cookies and it was game on!  I had packages to get in the mail. 

I was moving at lightening speed and just like that the brown sugar hit the floor.  Pixie dust flew everywhere.  Under the wood stove, all over the floor, the carpets.  The velocity of the spillage was truly amazing.  Again Kirby had a ringside seat, although one lick and he retreated to the landing.  Brown sugar needs to be coated in butter to get him excited. 

The floors got washed again and the dog got another bath.  Alas the cookies were baked and sent off packed, bundled and shipped to the four directions! 

Snickerdoodles, Gingersnaps, Melt in Your Mouth Strudel, Russian Tea Cakes and Peanut Butter Cookies. 

Worried I might push myself into a diabetic coma I opted for car repair. That could turn me into an alcoholic.

Replaced both air filters (engine & cab), topped off all the fluid levels, filled the low tires and poked around trying to figure out why my engine light was on.  Ran up to Autozone and had a fresh faced, dirty handed kid plug the computer into the ailing van; it's free!  Well your thermostat is sending a bad signal, we can sell ya one.  Ya, let me go home and watch a couple YouTubes before I commit to that repair.  It's not that I didn't believe the fresh faced lad, eating a candy bar with black oily covered hands at 9:30 am, it's just better to get a second opinion.  I stopped by my favorite mechanic on my way home.  It's like stepping into Mordor from the Lord of the Rings.  His Dad owned the shop and now he owns the shop.  It's like stepping back in time to go visit my Dad at his shop when I was a wee tike.  The fumes of welding torches and diesel fuel transport me back to seeing my Dad's legs under a big garbage truck, while he talked to me.  Open flames, open pits of oozing iridescent fluids, car parts strewn on the counter and floor, I am very comfortable here.  This place is a close runner up to my kitchen after the peanut butter debacle.

The guy who works here is as honest as the day is long and he said; Let's go look at your van.  Yup, it's the thermostat and nope it's not a problem.  The computer sent a code from the thermostat back to the computer, the valve just didn't open fast enough so the engine light went on.  He re-set the computer and said if the engine light comes on again, call me and we can get you in right away, it's a three hour job.  I was charged nothing...... He gets cookies!  

After all this it was time to head to the river! 

I didn't catch a thing but I don't care.  Standing in a river on a December day the pixie dust, diesel fumes and Christmas crazy wash away.  I walk away with my head clean.  Three hours in ice cold water on sunny day is just the best cure for anything that ails the body.  The flicker and the kingfisher kicked up a fuss and I watched until the blue jays bombed in.   When I could no longer feel my feet it was time to head for home.  I miss having a dog to tag along on this trips so maybe that will be on my 2024 "to-do" list.  Kirby could use a buddy.  

Got home late and needed to make a butter run for tomorrows cookies.  Butch decided he wanted to tag along because he is looking for a light up wreath to hang on the front door.  He can't stop himself.  Fine, let's just make one stop so we decided on Sam's Club.  I hate that place!  The only thing that makes it tolerable is Scan & Go.  I don't need to talk to anyone and I can check myself out.  I can also buy giant bags of broccoli and almonds at a good price.  Other than that I don't buy much at that place.  Grabbed the butter and broccoli, Butch grabbed a rotisserie chicken.  Hey, are you hanging that on the front door?  Does it light up?    

Butch decided to make homemade broccoli salad for his sailing club Christmas party the next night.  The rotisserie chicken was sitting on the counter and the broccoli was dumped in the sink for washing and trimming.  I had roasted beets in the oven and left over baked potatoes, a salad was already made from last night.  Easy dinner right?  I’m peeling the beets and tossing them in a bowl when I hear this god awful sound and so much swearing.  He flipped a whole damn rotisserie chicken off the counter, bouncing off the dog, who thought it was manna from the heavens and plopped on the floor!  Grease flew everywhere!  My fast dinner ended up scrubbing down cabinets and floors, scooping grease off the floor with a spatula and trying to beat the dog to the carcass, yelling NO, NO BONES!!!!! I won and Kirby is passed out on the landing from doing cleanup on Aisle One.  I snatched that chicken off the floor so fast Kirby thought it had legs to run away!  I just mopped my floors this morning!!! After the snatch and grab off the floor I ran it under the faucet, patted dry and popped it in a 400 degree oven for 15 minutes.  Ran in the basement, grabbed a jar of peach BBQ sauce and said, DINNER....... while Kirby was doing laps around the kitchen trying to figure out where the chicken went.  For a blind dog his nose is just amazing! 

 If I ever write a recipe book, I'm calling this bouncing chicken! 

Butch is doing laundry and cleaning up his broccoli salad stuff.  I'm washing down the cupboards and floors again.  I just took the last batch of pinwheel cookies out of the oven and headed to bed 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️  walking away, just walking away…..

I found this poor little guy on my walk this morning and wonder if he ate one too many cookies or just couldn't mop one more floor........ le sigh little one.  

God speed.. 

It's Dunderhead December........

 

The indoor pond.  Two years ago I invested .15 ea. for 5 goldfish.  They did great!  Last winter I brought them into the studio to live the cushy life in a 27 gallon black plastic storage container complete with pond plants, snacks and overhead lighting.  Unbeknownst to me, I also brought in tiny little pond snails that soon clogged the pump daily and covered the sides of the storage container.  

The fish didn't seem to mind.  Then merriment ensued and I found three fish had hurled themselves out of the container and onto the concrete floor, leaving me with two robust gold fish that seemed to get along just fine.  Spring arrived and they were unceremoniously dumped in the patio pond for another steamy summer.   They lived through the pond snakes, raccoons and me cooling my feet off on the hottest days.  They got bigger and bigger and I gave them names; Ralph and Ed (from the show The Honeymooners.... I am that old!)  They became part of my morning ritual: walk the dog, feed the dog, pick up dog poop, put the chicken feed out, visit with the chickens while I tossed them scratch grains, collect the trail cam video and feed the fish.  Then I could sit down, have coffee and watch the nightly carnage in the garden from my four legged neighbors off the trail cam footage.  

I did not have any trouble catching the fish in the pond last year, none, zero!  They didn't exactly jump into my bucket but it went pretty well.  This year they revolted!  And this year I had a coupon for nice glass aquarium we could put in the back room, an indoor pond.   I spent a rainy cold day on my hands and knees trying to catch two fish for over an hour and it was not going well!  I walked in the house defeated; fine, I'll just save my water hyacinths....... but the fish!  It's an ecosystem in that little pond.  I transferred 18 gallons of water to the tank and a few unfrozen plants.  I had coffee and realized, the indoor pond really needed a of couple fish.  The smart thing to do would be to trot back up to Pet Supplies and buy two more fish but then that would mean I would need to dig another pond because my two thug fish would eat them or chase them around the pond until that passed out and drown or offer them up to the raccoons.  I just needed to buck up and catch these fish!  I stood there looking at the two renegades swimming around flipping me the fin and then I had a moment of clarity; just empty the pond!  You have 250 gallons sitting in the rain barrels, it needs to be drained for winter storage, just drain all that rain water into the pond..... after you catch the fish!  Genius!  I thought I'd just pump out the water into the garden.  This will be a breeze.  Alas, it was so damn cold the hose was like moving concrete so I got the heat gun out and warmed it enough to bend it toward the garden.  But still so stiff I dismantled the waterfall to get to the hose.  So many rocks, so many big rocks but finally the pumping began.  It's a small pond but it's a deep pond.  I dug out this pond by hand and Rachael helped me haul and lay the stone.  I'm not sure how we did this because the pump was still pumping an hour later.  Well the hose had hose memory and was slowly recoiling and pumping half the water back in the pond.  Put a rock on the recalcitrant hose and went in for a re-fueling of caffeine and dry coat.  Came back out to the deep end still full of water and the pump sucking air at the other end.  Coffee down and start bailing.  I bailed and bailed and due to weather conditions I left my body and just aimlessly tossed water into the garden.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a flash of gold and white.  RALPH, OMG,  so sorry!  Scooped him up from under the salvia and ran him in the house, plopping him in the tank.  He was a bit stunned but I was so happy!  One down and one to go.   I kept bailing, I bailed like a an idiot trying to put out a forest fire with a teaspoon of water and no large orange fish.

  I bailed all the way down to the muck at the bottom where I found my big frog wintering.  Oh so sorry!  At this point I realized I am no longer helping!  

I need a kayak to get across the patio.

I am now down to pond sludge and there is no big bright orange fish.  Is he wearing the cloak of invisibility?  Where is that stupid orange fish?  There is no water left in the pond, the frog looks pissed.  I scooped all the sludge and leaves out of the pond and took the offending ick back to the compost pile, where the chickens jumped on it!  Seriously Ick!  But nothing can go through dirt and debris like a chicken so I stood back and thought for sure they'd unearth Ed; I would jump in and save him just before a chicken decided Ed was lunch.  No fish.....   Back to the pond and ripped out all the salvia and alyssum, nothing.  OMG did he fall between the stones while I was madly bailing?  I disassembled the pond stones; outside and inside!  No fish!  I got the the squeegee and started moving water off the patio thinking I would see a gold flash.  No gold flash, no fish.....  By now I sat on the pile of cold stones and decided the I had failed the .15 fish from Pet Supplies and Ralph would just have a very lonely winter.  I looked around the patio and had so many tools out; a heat gun, rakes (yes, more than one) and buckets, it was carnage. By day three Ralph was doing just fine.  I sent off a prayer of Godspeed to the giant heavenly pond above and wished Ed well on his next journey while I apologized profusely.  I put the stones back, hooked up the pump, re-assembled the waterfall and drained the rain barrels into the pond.  I went in the warm house dejected, my hands were bruised, bleeding and cold, I dried off and warmed up with hot tea and a cookie. What a stupid day!  I had been out there from 10:30 am to 3:45 pm trying to catch a fish who clearly did not want to be caught..... fine!  But it had made me a little crazy as you can see by the last hour of the day.

Oh Dear! 

I'm making peace with this, have another cookie! 

 

Butch rolled in after dark (Noon around here these days or so it seems) and said I only see one fish in the pond.  WHAT?!!! I grabbed the flashlight and peered into the murky darkness of the pond and there at the bottom of the pond was that gold flash I had been looking for, everywhere!  ED LIVES!   Ok where the hell was he?  I took out big rocks, small rocks, muck, his buddy the frog!  Fine, I'll catch you tomorrow.  I was so happy!  I have been trying for a week to catch this stupid fish!  It has made me crazy! 

I have not put the interior rocks back and yet he still finds places to hide or squish into where I can't get to him.  I changed his name to Trump; he is orange, fat and slippery as hell!   So this fish might be wintering in the depths of pond, I might calling the pond Mar-a-lago, there is enough muck and sludge still remaining and apparently a few secret hiding places and I really don't care.  

Meanwhile speaking of big and fat and orange....... this showed up in the rain.  Rufus the neighborhood cat.  He has a lovely family but they needed to escape for a couple days, but the other neighbor takes really good care of him, lets him out, feeds him, spends time with his little brother and leaves the garage door cracked so he can get out of the rain and cold.  He has a very cushy life but he stands by my back door crying and I am such a push over and I am so allergic to cats but I just love them so I let him in.... 

it escalated quickly...... 

and then he found Ralph.....

and standing on your hind legs is just too hard so.......

and finally......

He departed shortly after a nap and a few more snuggles.  As he left I had the box of Kleenex under my arm and my red eyes were teary and itchy ..... see ya tomorrow Ru.  Took a shower, washed my clothes, washed down the chairs in the back room and vacuumed.  Ya, it was worth it 😁 

Its December, let the festivities begin!