Thursday, March 18, 2021

Today I ate Floor Cake................


It's been a year since Rona has started infecting the country and I have changed.  The first word that comes to mind is FERAL and a license might be in my near future and it better be in a little blue box!  Tiffanys could make a fortune selling these!  There is rumor a foot that by July we will be huddling around grills and life will return to somewhat normal.  Question: What the Hell is Normal anymore?  My year of self inflicted lockdown has seen personal unkemptness reach stellar proportions.  I went grocery shopping with my shirt inside out and nobody said a word.  Verbal skills have plummeted and after a 15 minutes into a phone conversation my vocal cords are raspy and needing a break.  A mystery to be sure because I feel like I have been quite chatty, alas those deep conversations with the dog, telepathically.  And I will wear a mask for the rest of my life! 

This week I realized I am going to need a bit of work if I decide to join the human race again.  I baked a lovely carrot cake for Butch's birthday.   I tried to make it even healthier with extra carrots, a light and fruity olive oil, additions of nuts, raisins and spices, cut the sugar in half and since the chickens are in hyper-lay added extra egg for a protein.  The frosting was neufchatel cream cheese and alas powdered sugar but no butter anywhere.  It was good, it was delicious and it was heavy.  I rarely make cake and it was a treat!  I was reminded there were only two of us and we did not need a WHOLE CAKE.  No worries I can freeze half.  Great, make that cake.  You probably know where this is going.... I froze half the cake and we ate frozen cake, with a fork, while still in the freezer.  Cake is a breakfast food!  We were down to the last slice, stored in the fridge under opaque foil.  If I can't see it I won't want it and will reach for lettuce instead (ya right),  48 hours and there was one slice left.  Told the birthday boy; Hey, let's split that last piece of cake.  He said, NO, I'm not hungry.  WHO SAYS NO TO CAKE?   As he watched Batman in the other room I announced I was going to bed.  I walked past the fridge and I swear the cake called out.  My Ninja self gently opened the door and pulled out the foil covered cake, behind the kale.  Standing in the light of fridge, I balanced it on my hand and sliced it in half and as the sticky frosting stuck to the knife, half the slice fell on the floor, well not just the floor, the new carpet runner.  It made a THUD, like a body hitting the floor, maybe too many extra carrots.  The dog came pounding down the stairs; Did I hear cake?  Whoa, I love this new carpet and he cleaned it faster than I could eat a piece of sneaky cake.   Ate the good piece, picked up the floor cake, blew on it and put it back in the fridge.  It was still there the next morning.  At 6:30 am I stood at the sink with my handy dandy pocket magnifier, dubbed it Rocky Road Cake and ate it for breakfast.  It was heaven....... 

Last week I did so much computer I think I developed ass blisters.  I seriously do not know how people work sitting at a desk all day.  Sitting at a wheel, spinning pots OK but sitting at a desk staring at computer screen, just kill me.   
A letter showed up last week, it had been circling the postal system for over a month to let me know this was a PIN#, guard it with your life.  A second letter would be arriving with your unemployment account number.  What federal or state trickery is this?  Way back in March 2020 I had tried to apply for unemployment with all shows cancelled, school closed, galleries shuttered.  Do you think I could get through?  My phone battery went dead I was on hold so long.  As I had a basement of canned goods and half a pig in the freezer I said FU state of Ohio, I will take care of SELF......... again!  And it hasn't been too bad, lean times,Yes.  Extras, NO!  But then nobody was going anywhere and all the restaurants were closed at first, so no worries.  Enter March 2021, I have an unemployment account.  Nope, no I don't.  I read the letter again and again and couldn't understand what it was telling me to do.  Handed it to the contract reader in the family and he said; I don't know, burn it.  I read it again, right before I was going to bed and laid in bed with the letter rolling around in my head and then my head exploded.  I ran downstairs and re-read the letter.  Somebody had used my old social security number, supposedly on a HOT LIST since 2003 to file for unemployment!   In 1999 I had a nasty case of Identity Theft and got a new SSN which I now guard with my life!  There will be no sleeping tonight and I was right back to 1999.  Between the last 4 years of Trump, identity theft, and Rona trying to get us all,  I don't think there are enough meds to cover the PTSD.   9 am, and I am in my van headed to the local unemployment office, less than a mile from the house.  All paperwork in hand, masked up, I flung the door open and met with a big white box and barricades in front of locked doors.  Place your papers in the box and someone will return your call.  WTF!  A plastic box with papers that have my SSN on them and all the other original paperwork.  NO NO NO!  The local office has a recording stating hours, backlog, days until they can follow up etc.  Nothing about the offices being closed.  Ya might want to give folks a heads up that the doors are locked!  Back home and furiously dialing,  I am on the phone to the unemployment bureau with the State of Ohio in Columbus!  I filled out all the paperwork online while I sat on hold for over 60 minutes!  While you are on hold they play a loop, a loop that went on for 60 minutes:  #It's OK not to be OK call the Ohio Suicide Prevention hot line.  OMG!!! by the time 60 minutes of this plays in your ear, YOU ARE NOT OK!  ANSWER YOUR PHONE AND STOP GIVING OUT MY OLD SSN AND I WON'T NEED YOUR SUCIDE HOTLINE!   Finally "BEV" answered the phone and all I could say:  Bev, WOO HOO!  It OK not to be OK. Bev started laughing and I was just about hysterical.  Bev, chastised herself and said;  It's really not funny and I'm going to get written up.  and I said; But Bev just tell your supervisor;  IT'S OK NOT TO BE OK! and they can call this number....... We laughed through the whole phone call and yup it was now officially listed as fraud and identity theft ....... again.   Bev and I are going out for drinks because she's probably going need to apply for unemployment.  And just a note in case the State reads this blog...... play a loop about visiting the parks or bird watching or even the Ohio State Fair and pig races.  The local OHIOMEANSJOBS supervisor called two days later and said: Well we think the states data base has been hacked.  Ya, my wife is teacher and hasn't been able to get through the system to file for unemployment since last March AND HE IS A SUPERVISOR!  I learned all our stuff is in deep dark space and your wife is penniless; file that under deep shit..... 

After a day with BEV, I dropped down the dark hole of tax filing.  For someone who basically made no income last year I had a trail of paperwork.  Our ruthless CPA sent out an email; if your taxes are not in my office by 3/26/21 you will file for an extension.  So we gathered everything, tallied everything, took a lovely Sunday to fill out her forms, track down receipts, DNA etc and needed a drink.  2020 cheers and don't let the door hit ya in the ass!

Taxes delivered the same day the IRS announced they are extending the deadline until May.  Have another drink and happy they are done and delivered. 

Teaching myself photography via youtube.  
More ass sitting and computer work but the website is updated and new work has been added! 

In other news; made bone head mistakes in the studio last month and glazed two kiln loads in the wrong glaze.  Sometimes there are no words.  Tried to save them all and came up with this abomination. 
I thought about hammering it all but decided to have a studio sale the first week of June.  There will be a mark down table and seconds table along with the good stuff.  Time to clear stuff out!  If you surround yourself with crap, you're just going to make more crap! 

Bought a critter spray gun and love it!  Never going back to my old HVLP gun! 

cashed in my egg money and change jar and bought some new workout shoes for $26, because I am cake eater.

and that's how 2021 is starting out....... 

OH and my kids texted yesterday; Did you get your stimmy?  (cool kid speak for stimulus check)

No idea and the only thing I could come up with:
because I am that old!