Stop telling me what to do…….

It's Thursday and I am home, happy dance!  More like happy crawl, yesterday we unloaded 4000 pounds of clay and 15 bags of chemicals, all tucked and stored in my office.  100 test tiles extruded, two kilns unloaded and reloaded, more test tiles thrown on the wheel, office vacuumed and 11 new glazes tests mixed, logged and going up in the glaze firing.  But alas I have been waiting to rant…. it's a short rant but still a rant. 

Apparently we have become a nation of blithering idiots and don't know when it's cold or hot or where we are going or, or, or…..

We have a new car, why?  Because the clown car has 251,000 miles on the odometer and Butch thinks he can get another 250,000.  The shocks are gone and if I ride more than 100 miles the chiropractor gets a call as my ass has been scraping the pavement for 95 miles.  But the Versa keeps going and Butch is the eternal optimist and he is Finnish.  Love my truck but it gets 15 miles to the gallon and has 150,000 miles, I am Scottish with a bit of Hungarian thrown in, a tight wad pessimist (great combo package there)  We needed a back up.  The car and truck are bare bones, no power anything.  The Versa has wonderful fold down seats and I have made a lot of deliveries in this car over the years.  35 miles to the gallon, it's a winner!  We shopped for cars for over a year and finally landed on the Nissan Rogue.  We wanted cruise control because we are road warriors!  But you have to buy the package so we got unwanted power crap; windows, auto lights and other stuff I don't even know about yet; I still have not figured out how to program the clock or the radio.  The owners guide reads like the phone book.  It's in the looming pile of "too be read immediately" next to my chair, and it has no pictures……

Last Sunday when we ventured out on that awesome 3.5 hour hike, we took the new Rogue.  We left the house at 8:00 am everything was running normally.  We drove 20 minutes south, a higher elevation and the temperature dropped a good 10 degrees.  The Rogue sounded alarms, flashing lights and an annoying bell, which isn't annoying when hearing it once or twice; after 20 miles I was ready to throw myself onto the pavement but oops, power locks and child restraints.  It was announcing the temperatures outside were dangerously low and we should be on alert for driving conditions.  Then it flashed all four wheels tire pressure.  Words failed me, we just looked at each other as we were held captive because of those great power locks.  I cannot tell you how many times we have sat in the driveway trying to get out of this car.  The doors unlock when you pull the keys out of the ignition, thanks Nissan because I am an idiot.   Thankfully we got to the park and hiked thinking after 3.5 hours the temps would rise appropriately and the Rogue would come to it's senses.  After 3.5 half hours of hiking my body temperature had risen quite a bit and I could be responsible for a bit of global warming.  Hopped in the car and all the alarms still went off.  We set off down the road with the windows open to cool our large perspiring selves and to hear wind whooshing instead of alarms.  After 10 minutes we had to close the windows and started pushing every damn button we could find to no avail.  We rode home and cursed the car.  The temperature rose and the Rogue shut up and we did what all good people do….. forgot about it.  Until last night…….  I know it's chilly, I know it's raining, I know it's windy, I have a weather rock!  I don't need my iPad flashing a weather alerts in the dark kitchen either. 

This morning the coffee pot is flashing red in the dark kitchen, I guess the iPad needed company. I am standing on a cold floor with bare feet and an my empty coffee cup, there are no glasses on my face.  But I know red flashing anything probably means bad things.  Your coffee pot needs cleaning, so does the floor but it's not happening at 5:30 am.  I unplugged it and made french press.

The computer has alerted me to low mouse batteries and I have a million emails needing to be answered. Shutting it down I walk away into the inky blackness and onto the backyard patio.  Wearing no glasses on my face or shoes on my feet but alas by the time my night shirt blew over my head I knew it was gale force winds and since my ass was wet it was probably raining.  Even the weather rock might be a little high tech for my taste.

I entered an elevator last week and it talked to me the entire time.  Told me what floor I was on and when to get off. Just kill me…….. 

My new kiln beeps when there is power outage, tells me how many times I fired it and how much it costs.  I can see why so many are returning to wood fire kilns and maybe that should be in my future. 

My dear friend Keith just ordered a temperature controller for his crockpot so he can perfect yogurt. 

Here is my temperature controller.  

 Remember that knee surgery and they made me buy cold packs for some outrageous amount of money?  Well they work as heat packs too.  One on the top and one on the bottom of my free styrofoam shipping container, layer in towels and walk away for eight hours.  Keith I know you will love your temperature controller and you probably don't want this styrofoam box on your beautiful kitchen floor but for me it's LOW tech and I can handle it right now. 

  Go to the studio talk to your kiln or just make pots for 8 hours.  Presto, yogurt and nobody said a thing.  Before the heat packs I used a wool sock filled rice and nuked for a minute.  There is something that holds heat like no other gadget I know and it wraps around my neck on cold winter nights.  Kind of like a cat but without a litter box and it doesn't demand snacks. 

rant over back to work…….