Hold off on those kitten heels and hot pants…….

Yesterday morning, up at the crack of dawn, answer a few emails, keep pushing the impending trip to the back of my mind.  And then the bottom falls out of sanity and drops my brain down a dark tube.  Arghh….I am on the bullet crazy train to my own personal insanity.  My experience; good things do not happen in hospitals and I am headed there in a couple hours. Parents in hospitals rocked my world several times, the last two times they didn't come home.   It wasn't the surgery, it was the anesthetic.  Just please wake me up, God I hate not being in control of my very own big self…..

but wait a minute!!  

These last few weeks have been a lot nuts and I quickly started making peace with not waking up.  The big kiln had the bottom element fry on Saturday (why is it always the bottom element?), gallery is far from ready for opening in a few days, my body is ever so broken and quite atrophied after months of no exercise….  and those pesky power tools, my bank account is on empty (per usual), the dishwasher crapped out last week, still battling the flea infestation in Abby's room…. I now own a cat and I don't think I've slept through the night in months.  

  

Sunday morning I was in the studio by 6:30 am,  hauling out the mitre saw and oh so many tools.  All needed to get that mug rack and table built  for the new gallery.  Pieces and parts had been gathered, let the assembly begin.  Round about 2 p.m a piece of moulding in the mitre saw exploded in my hand.  I have never had this happen …… ever.  When the wood splintered and flew apart it took a nice chunk out of two fingers and a bit of skin.  Found the hydrogen peroxide and bandaids and got back to work.  Was a bit rattled and had second thoughts when I turned that saw on again!  But being on a time line makes one knuckle bust their way through…..  literally! 

The mug rack got built but the base for table still needs tweaking.  Came in the house around 10 p.m. found out the Browns won and took it as an omen things were looking up.  Seriously, if your a Cleveland sports fan you are 99% scar tissue anyway!  

By Monday 6:00 a.m. I read the directions on what I needed before heading out for doom and peril.  

1. Bath or shower in an antiseptic soap like Phisoderm.  Where does one get Phisoderm at 6 in the morning. Dr. Bronners is just going to have to do.  The fact the sheet had to tell you to shower before coming in for surgery was a little shocking!  2. Wear loose clothes…. throw baggy jeans in the washer and a rugby shirt, perfect for game day.  Bring drivers license and insurance card….. be there by 9:45 am.

I was allowed black coffee until 7:45 and I drank it in the shower.  No breakfast either….. ack! 

It's a 40 minute drive and we left exactly to the minute to get there on time…..  Alas I did not figure the 5 minute pull over to dry heave and blow coffee out my nose on Rt 90.  And to all those truckers waving and blowing their horns, did see you my salute?  Because I can still wave my hand in the air while hurling yammies on the side of the road! 

So this what you see when you hit the door…… calming, green tranquility and because I'm still on the bullet train to crazy town I say out loud to Butch….. built on the backs of sick people!  He walked around like he was at Disney World and we know how I feel about that place!  I grabbed him and raced to the 3rd floor as his eyes glazed over and he said:  "Did you see the coffee shop?".  

The Dr. was early, go right in ……. What?!  This guy is always 1-2 hours behind schedule every time I have seen him; today he's early?  They handed Butch a color coded card so he could track me during my adventure.  He never figured it out and he never figured out how use the cappuccino machine in the waiting room, clueless on the perks of medicine.  While he fiddled at the cappuccino machine a nurse whisked back, handed me a plastic bag full of stuff I had no idea what to do with, slapped white plastic bracelet on my arm….. toe tag optional.  I was ordered to put on a paper gown that I could not figure out how to tie to save my life but it had pockets and place for what looked like a vacuum tube, purple socks with paw prints, a lovely white hat I tried to model into a beret.  The nurse came back in and said….. you forgot to take your underwear off.  I said; but it's my knee, not a colonoscopy!  She sat down at the her computer and started firing off questions then she looked up and said;  you don't look so good.  You mean the crazy eyes, pasty color and smell of puke was giving me away.  She jumped up took my blood pressure and started asking more questions.  Yup, first time in a hospital, nope, never had an IV and I was pretty sure I was gonna puke again, she handed me the trash can.  And she laughed…. in a nice way.  I want my underwear I said.  Oh we'll get you something else…… great I can hardly wait.  

She dashed out of the room and seconds later an arm thrust through the door dangling a pair of white mesh undies.  She said; you'll love these!  We call them party panties because we can tear them off!  

Well where were these when I need them…… like the 70's?!   She entered back in the room with plastic bags of tubes and needles.  I stood up and said I changed my mind and was ready to go home.  I bent over with hands on my knees and started breathing funny…….. pure panic.  I'm in a room with no windows, painted blue, everybody is walking around dressed in blue or green, some trailing miles of tubes with them, looking at a very large needle and backed up against a wall doubled over trying to figure out if I'm bolting for the door or leaving stains on the blue wall. And she says haven't you had a baby?  Yup, had two!  I had a 10 minute and 19 minute labor with a midwife,  I was showered and home for lunch.  She just laughed…. again.  They brought Butch back…….. ok now that is funny because he looks worse then I do and says in his very Butch voice;  you're doing the right thing, buck up!  And I laughed so hard because he was soooo lying, I offered him the chair!   

Ok and since I am on a rant here……. Butch, the guy I am married to, the who hides his greasy fast food bags in the outside trash toter, who's car smells like a donut shop, who just eats crap and drinks gallons of black coffee until midnight has blood pressure of 95/68!   He's even put on a few pounds over the years!  Then there is me who drinks smoothies packed with kale, chia seeds, flax seeds, alfalfa tablets and organic fruit.  I bought the big ass Vitamix when my super duper Cusinart blender bit the dust grinding through all this healthy crap.  Yup, drinking a smoothie on a hot summer day wondering what I was crunching on, spit it out and it was the black organic plastic blender shaft.  Awesome…….  

So when I checked in yesterday morning and my blood pressure had zoomed up to 145/60 I really was just a tad crazy!  

Of course they couldn't find my vein, of course they had me toss back a little white pill that would "take the edge off".  Me have an edge?  The pill did nothing.  While they're hunting around for a vein they asked…. what happened to your fingers?  Both arms look like they've been through meat tenderizer due to moving so much stuff over the last week, bruising now turning to a lovely pea green.   They put me in a wheel chair and off we went to O.R.  The doors opened and there was the surgery table with two arm wings…….. shit this looks like the same bed they put the death row inmates on at the time of execution.  Yup, that is the thought running out my mouth…… and I even got on it all by myself.  The "team" all turned around and asked; "Did she have her meds?"  And the nurse says…… She's the healthy one.  And I say out loud….. not for long if I stay in here!  So I remember the mask over my face and lights out.  And being really impressed the operating room lights were LED's and gosh at least they're energy efficient at Cleveland Clinic.

In at 10 am, processed,  took 40 minutes of fix'n and I woke up around 12:30 pm.  had a glass of apple juice, stood up, asked for my underwear and wrestled my jeans over my leg. They took my blood pressure, 115/ 58, asked if I wanted a pair of crutches, nope, walked to the wheel chair and was whisked down to the elevator where I met a lovely woman with a broken arm who had taken a header off her monolo blahnik heels headed to a Nordstorm sale.  Yes, you are in Beachwood! 

Got home, finally ran to the bathroom and looked at my leg.  Holy Mother of gauze!  This was supposed to be a 1/4 -1/2" incision!!  Is this over kill on dressing?  The ace bandage will last a day or two.  I 'm supposed to wear a garbage bag to shower….. there isn't a garbage bag big enough! 

Sept 23 I go back so all this stuff can be removed and I can get back to hiking, fishing and general mayhem.   Butch ran to the drug store for pain meds, I had the coffee made by the time he returned.  I ripped open the bottle read the directions and took two white pills.  The pain had definitely reared it's ugly head.  What did I just take I wondered……. something called hydrocodon -acetaminophen.  Went upstair and hit the bed.  Woke up 6 hours later craving water and broccoli.  

The incredible bulk!  

Thank you one and all for well wishes and a quick mend!!  

Truly, truly loved them! 

The cat slept through the whole thing…….